18 April 2005
Time Off
I haven’t worn a watch for at least six months. This might come as a surprise to my friends who probably assumed based on my arrival times that I never had one in the first place. Most of them have started asking me to meet them for movies 20 minutes early, so when I get there 15 minutes late, we still have time to buy popcorn.
I’ve had this watch since 8th grade. I bought it with allowance at Eddie Bauer for $45 and it served me well ever since. It was never stylish, so it never went out of style. Just a brown leather band, simple silver watch and an easy-to-read face. The hands looked like they were supposed to glow in the dark, but they didn’t.
Over my post-pubescent years, this watch was broken or lost many times, but I always fixed it or found it eventually. Sometimes it sat for months on my dresser with a broken battery, and it lasted a good year and a half with the second hand floating around inside, until it got stuck underneath the minute hand and the whole operation shut down.
This time when it stopped, I never got around to fixing it. I wore it on my wrist for a few days after it stopped as a reminder to stop by the jewelers on my way home, but I never made it and eventually I took it off and put it in a drawer. It’s probably just a dead battery, but I’m getting used to going without it anyway.
If I really need to know what time it is, I just have to reach in my pocket and check my cell phone. But I check it compulsively every few minutes for no reason as I had a habit of doing before. It never did me any good anyway, it just gave me false hope. If I had an appointment coming up I always misjudged the time I had left and ended up overshooting the target time and being late anyway.
I know what you’re thinking, I’m about to get into all that cliché hippy mumbo-jumbo about how now that I don’t have a watch I’m not a slave to time because I’ve realized that there IS no time and I’m FREE! But it’s not like that at all. I’m not free from anything. I still have appointments and meetings and I’m still late to most of them. Later, if possible. How am I supposed to be on time everywhere? I don’t even have a watch.
One thing I have realized is that I have a terrible intuitive sense of time as its passing. I’m always overestimating the time I have left (and underestimating the time I’ve spent on something). I have terrible orientation skills in time, just like I have terrible orientation skills in physical space.
Even in a familiar city, more often than not I need a map. Throw me in an unfamiliar city, or an unfamiliar neighborhood in a familiar city and I panic. I can’t get my bearings and just “wing it”. I need a map. I consider it a disability. I require assistive devices—maps—to perform the necessary human function of navigation. Even with a map I still get lost, but I don’t panic.
Without a chronological map as a crutch, I’m learning (slowly) to internalize the passing of time the way some people do with a sense of direction. I’m learning what an hour feels like (more or less) in different contexts. Waiting requires one kind of intuitive math, working requires another conversion altogether.
I don’t have it down yet, and I may never be what you might call punctual, but there’s hope. This weekend I even sat down in a movie theater before the previews started.
Maybe someday I’ll drive to Kansas City and not get lost.
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